January 15, 2005

do over

i'm off to a not-so-good start with my blogging life this year.

in a rare, lull moment at the office yesterday -- which is usually after we had lunch -- inspiration struck. so i went online, logged on to blogger, and started hammering down those ever elusive thoughts, angst, and what-nots. i didn't even bother typing it first on notepad, given we have a very unreliable internet connection at the office.

and so about eight paragraphs later, i decided to hit the "publish post" button and viola! the connection broke and gone are all those ever elusive thoughts, angst, and what-nots. sigh! it could have very well been a palanca award-winning piece. haha!

ah! it's just like how life could sometimes disconnect on you. one moment your life is going smoothly, then suddenly everything starts falling apart. next thing you know, you're on you knees trying to put the shattered pieces back together again, fooling yourself into believing you even could. and after some time, it dawns on you that you can never put the pieces back together, and surrender to the fact that you have no choice but to accept what's left, or do over, and move on.

but what the heck... moving on. ^_^

last christmas and new year were especially important for our family, as this could very well be Mama's (my grandmother) last. two months ago, she suffered her worst diabetic/stroke attack since she got paralyzed and lost speech control eight years ago. when i got home last december 24, she is already blind, weak, and thin. she refused to eat and be brought back to the hospital anymore.

and so i spent my vacation at home, talking to Mama everytime she's awake, watching her eyes struggling to follow the sound of my voice as i check her IV drip. sometimes i would turn up the TV so she could listen to the news.

and then a tsunami struck east asia.

it was an eerie feeling: listening to the news spew out the number of casualties, watching the many lives lost in an instant, while sitting beside one who has peacefully resigned to her destiny.

life is no candle in the wind. it is strong and it will fight no matter what -- for as long as eight years, or as short as eight seconds.

No comments: