To be good

I am convinced that I’m lightyears away from that so-called “emotional maturity” that, for the longest time, I have aspired for myself.

This realization was somehow triggered just this past weekend. First, after watching Starwars: Revenge of the Sith, and second, by the extent to which I get affected by someone’s opinion.

First, the movie.

Anakin did pretty well in pleasing his master Obi-Wan, despite his inherent propensity to rage, which is a no-no to a Jedi. At one point Obi-Wan has absolute faith that his friend-protégé will never fail him. In the end, his reason to embrace the dark side was simple: love. But hey, despite the constant display of remorse (crying after a good round of murderous bloodbath), I say Anakin looked really relieved to shed the mask of goodness and reveal his true colors in its full glory.

Second, about myself.

As far as I can remember in my entire adult lifetime, I have been trying to veer away from the path of mistakes my predecessors have committed. There are parts in my family’s past that I’m not particularly proud of, and somehow that past has successfully embedded itself to the name I carry now – like an ugly scar. There are already places where the mere mention of my family name conjures rich, colorful stories spoken only in hushed voices.

My dreams are simple, however ambitious: learn from the past, and break the chains of history that I’ve been carrying on my shoulder like a cross. I do not claim to be pristine, I am well-aware of the evils that lurk within my genes. I’m used to people who can’t see past my ugly scar, and those who hardly know anything but pass on judgments like cheap candies. I listen and care about the opinions of only a few.

But still, somehow, sometimes, I still get hurt from what I hear. Either my shields faltered, or I have misplaced trust on one person too many.

In the end, however, it’s entirely my fault – because I chose to be affected.

I just want to break free from the past. I just want to be good. I just want to stay in the good side of the force.